October 4 2009

October 4th - The Feast Day of St Francis

May 1976   San Diego

May 2009  Arches National Park

Today, October 4, 2012
You have been gone 3 years - I can't believe its been that long.

But sometimes it feels like I've been alone for much longer than this. 

*      *     *     *     *    *     *     *     *      *     *     *   

I've changed, I had to. I have to start all over again and create a new life. No one to talk things over with, I have to make all the decisions myself - right or wrong. We were total opposites and, of course, we did not always agree. But we managed to compromise and we had a lot of the same dreams for the future.

You know that I am doing some things that you never wanted to do.

But, I think that I could have talked you into some of this :)

So, where are you going to follow me to next - I know you are watching. Grand Canyon, Alaska, Maine.
Remember.....we talked about going to Iceland, that's still on my list.

Although I am traveling around, this new life is not always all fun and roses. I am still a work in progress.  I want to be happy - but without guilt and fear. There are so many opposing emotions in everything I do, in every decision I make. I am doing the best that I can and I will never forget you. You are always with me as I travel.  

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

When you asked me to take this photo

You said

"If you're not living on the edge,

You're taking up too much space"

Love you, always

I have to trust that God knew what he was doing, when you left this earth. It is not healthy to live with the thoughts of.....if only I could have, if only you would have....thinking that we could have controlled God's will.  I can't change the past, I can't have my old life back, I have to move forward. I have to believe that everyone has a certain number of days here on earth and that all of this is part of a greater plan.

I don't want to second guess our life together or the decisions we made.  I don't want to spend my days wishing we had done things differently, there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been different. I want to enjoy the memories of the years we had together.

"The death of a family member or friend is devastating. In fact, it can take five years or more for a person to adequately work through his or her grief, but because we live in a fast-paced society, we often sweep it under the rug or ignore it altogether. God has another plan." 

 Man's Way: Numb the pain  God's Way: Heal the pain

 Man's Way: Don't talk about it  God's Way: Share your pain

 Man's Way: Time heals  God's Way: Faith heals 

This blog post is part of the healing process.

There are a lot of good resources on the internet
for widows and widowers, share these websites.

www.GriefShare.org
www.WidowsChristianPlace.com
www.campwidow.org
www.JoyfulAgain.org (based in Illinois)
Chera Fellowship  www.ifca.org

Hundreds of books about grief are online or at the local library.